KarmaKameleon

its funny reading your old journal entries...
its strange looking back on how things were and seeing how things are...
people change, but they don't really change.
situations change... that's more like it.
i wish i could be the way i was... with you... but with someone else.

oh yeah, its been 2 years since I last wrote anything in this journal.

"keep one eye open
enjoy your merry heart
drink 'til you think
you're God
fuck everyone you know
smoke and take whatever
you feel like
be yourself forever
cause you'll be the only one
on your last page..."

-sun grass- by: Hilera

i don't really know how i've been feeling these days, all i know is that its driving me nuts. how do you know if you're where you're supposed to be? why do i always get this feeling that life can be different and even better somehow? am i suppossed to listen to these urges and yearnings? will they ever go away? how do i follow them without hurting anyone? or is someone always bound to get hurt?...

my boyfriend and i almost broke up today. we really haven't been feeling insync these days and we both felt helpless and lost... we talked about it though and thank god we both agreed that we wouldn't let the helplessness break us but instead make us even stronger. (cliche, i know) phew... that was a close one.

i'm a lot like you
so please
hello, i'm here, i'm waiting.
i think i'd be good for you
and you'd be good
for me...

last weekend i was able to do two things from my "to-do list of things to do before i turn 20"!! this is a big accomplishment for me because i usually leave these lists to rot and find them one day full of regret. this time actually got my ass up to do something and not just anything but it was one of those self-defining things. i learned how to wakeboard and i went out on a snorkeling trip with haribon foundation! i've never felt so good before! i really felt independent and whole as my own person. everything was clear in my mind. everything felt as if they were where they were suppposed to be. my happiness however didn't last long because when i arrived back home i was lectured by my grandmother. apparently she doesn't approve of my freedom. she believes that people shouldn't do what they want to do (fuck that!). she believes that everyone should do what she wants her to do! she had the nerve to call me self-centered while she kept ranting about how i was insensitive to HER, don't show HER love and attention, don't find ways to comfort HER. i really thought i had things figured out, but now i'm confused. how is one really supposed to live their lives?? i believe that because we have only one life to lead we might as well live it to the fullest by fulfilling our dreams so we don't have to feel the pangs of regret. her on the other hand believes that everyone should be of service to her because she is such a "great person". god, everyone who is around her too often are always wallowing in regret and bitterness for their lives just like her. she really makes me want to kill myself. all my suicidal thoughts pour in everytime i have to see her. she really drains the life out of you... ahhhhhhh!!!! i really hate her sometimes!!! the worst thing about this whole thing is that i don't even know what i'm doing wrong! with all the freedom i have, i don't take drugs, i'm passing school and i'm no pregnant! i'm just an ordinary girl living my life!!! whats so wrong with that?!?!?